Résumé

The word résumé comes from the French and loosely means failure. And it makes sense, considering when you make a résumé you are creating a document that details all of the things you struggled to or never did achieve, hated to do and in some cases had to completely fabricate for the sole purpose of duping someone into hiring you to do something that you may very well not be qualified to do.

I bring this up as I sort through résumés in search of a new naturalist/guide for our company. (And yes I will keep using the accents on résumé because it's appropriately snobby) The job description is explicit in our requirements and yet the range of unprofessional, incompetently assembled and tragically clueless submissions is frightening. This phenomenon is not new to me or anyone who has had to go through the hiring process. I experienced it at my previous job as well where an individual listed their self-employed experience driving the Mr.Dingaling ice cream truck as qualification to work with kids. It wasn't and I hired this guy instead.

Mostly for the beard, but it turns out he's an excellent educator as suspected. What pirate wouldn't wear a PFD? (Personal Floatation Device) Brad is awesome.

Brad submitted an excellent résumé. But here are a few tips on what not to do when submitting a résumé from actual résumés received at this job and my last:

1. Your name - if you are a III (3rd) or a IV (4th) - leave it off. It just suggests that your parents were too lazy to come up with a new name and laziness is genetic. II (2nds) are ok.
2. Your email - if your email is some descriptor for a physical attribute, sign up for a new one. They're free. buttonnose@zzz.com? Really? And you may think you're a "BeachBabe" but right or wrong, the boss (not me, thank you) will either hire you for the wrong reason or be disappointed that you look like the child of Pee-Wee Herman and Rosanne.
3. Objective - If "Seeking a challenging career with a progressive company which will utilize my skills, abilities and education in management, product management, and operations" is your goal...why are you applying for a position guiding tourists through America's largest swamp?
4. Education - If you took 2 years longer than usual to complete law school, leave off the explanation that deals with incarceration. No. Leave it on. In fact give me your whole rap sheet and explain yourself. In detail. Make something up and make it interesting. At this point lying is the least of your faux pas.
5. Transcripts - Did I ask for them? 2.25 GPA? I'm not sure which makes you a bigger dufus. Low grades or inclusion of transcripts with a resume.
6. Work Experience - What are you doing now? What were you doing before that? And how about before that? Ok that's good. 7 pages - generally too long and if your work experience spills over one page I'm wondering why you can't hold a job. And to send a 7 page resume to an environmental organization? You just killed a branch on a tree AND you bored me. The only time I care about what happened in 1978 is when I'm remembering my Kermit the Frog birthday party. We had Kermit hats, plates, napkins, streamers, balloons and a huge Kermit cake. We watched Dr.Suess' the Lorax on the reel to reel and played pin the tail on the monkey. Hmmm..What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I'm easily distracted. One page should be enough.
7. Hobbies - Online PVP? That stands for Player vs Player online gaming and may explain the transcripts from #5.
8. Activities - Listing your fraternity or sorority is the equivalent of spinning the wheel of doom. Throw any combination of Greek letters together and search for it on Google and you'll find some unsavory activity or lawsuit associated with it. For all the good they may do....hmm....do they do any good?
9. References - Your dad does not count. When your name is the same, that fact is hard to conceal. Find someone else to sing your praises. See Rule #1
10. Format - if you must use bullets points, keep in mind tiny alligators do not amuse me.
11. Spelling & Grammar - Tihs one is exteremely impotrant sicne I hvae an impossible time wiht it. You would think I would be sympathetic considering the horrors I inflict on others. I'm a hypocrite.

Next up.....The Interview!