JQ - Jungleboy Quarterly

It's been 3 months of nonsense and it's time to recap!

After leaving Vermont on January 29th, I've seen and done quite a few spectacular things and know the best is yet to come. We have 54 subscribers, not including dingleberry@redsoxnerd.com (one of my brother-in-law Jim's fake email addresses) and have readers in 24 countries. The goal, is to improve the educational level of the entries while making things simple enough so my sister can understand (she knows which one), increase the sophistication of the humor while adding more poop jokes and get an editor so no one has to endure my bad grammar anymore. Ruth won the grammar correction contest with 44 corrections. Thanks Ruth!

I've received a lot of comments and questions and thought I'd finally answer them all here if possible. I have to paraphrase or simply make up all that I can't remember.

Q1 - Is it a good idea to write when you are angry?
A1 - Sure! I'm angry a lot. And happy a lot too. I've been saddled with the burden of knowledge and hampered with the curse of stupidity. Two great traits that don't taste so good together. There's a lot of frustrating, annoying, crazy things out there that get me fired up and not only does writing focus the energy, it helps formulate possible ideas on how to solve the issues. Or encourages others to solve them. Or just simply pokes fun at it. Which ever comes first.

Q2 - Is your Meez single?
A2 - Quite possibly the most disturbing question. The answer is no. I hate to break anyone's heart or psychotic delusions, but my Meez is just a cartoon facsimile that has a cartoon facsimile girlfriend that is often offscreen. The cartoon girlfriend has to be careful that the cartoon agents from the Department of Homeland Security do not find her.

Q3 - What's your favorite smell?
A3 - Orange Blossoms and/or Methane

Q4 - Is Red Drift Algae always so boring?
A4 - Yes

Q5 - Aren't you scared of the Alligators?
A5 - Funny thing about that. When I was a kid I was terrified. The media sensationalizes animal encounters, often alligator encounters and people end up fearing them more than they should. Respect them. Give them distance. Don't feed them and you will be fine. They are fearful of people 99% of the time. This is a terrible statistic, but there were more traffic fatalities in Lee County last week than there have been fatalities caused by Alligators in all of Florida since 1950. Only 19 people in 57 years is not bad. Unless you are one of the 19.

Q6 - Are you going to shave your cat again this year?
A6 - It's 85 and humid right now on April 30th. That cat needs to be shaved. No one asked this question. I just wanted to post this picture.

Q7 - How many Peeps did you eat in the video?
A7 - Only 5. I had to eat as many as Will did. And yes my stomach hurt afterwards.

Q8 - Was Will actually bitten by a bat?
A8 - The poor kid. In September of 2005 I led a group of homeschool kids and their parents to the Dorset Bat Cave in Vermont. During the next weeks class Will told me he had been bitten by a rabid bat. I dismissed him, thinking he was making up the story. No one had been bitten by a rabid bat in Vermont in many decades. Later someone showed me a headline in the Bennington Banner that explained that a local boy had been bitten by a rabid bat! It was a scary story and really a rarity. To his credit, the 9 year old Will told reporters that it was scary but he still appreciated bats. Cool kid. And he's a Peep eater.

Q9 - Do airboats ever flip over?
A9 - This was asked a few weeks ago and the answer was very rarely. A few days later, an airboat flipped, sending passengers into "alligator infested waters". The water is very low and apparently the boat had a mechanical failure, rendering the driver nothing but a passenger. They hit a clump of sawgrass and over they went. The "alligator infested water" is a perfect example of media hysteria. There was maybe one alligator within a 300 yard radius and wanted nothing to do with the accident. The driver suffered a broken collarbone and passengers had cuts and scrapes. That is the first accident I have heard about in all of the time of been around the everglades. Very rare.

Q10 - Is your criticism of exotic species analogous to your feelings on illegal immigrants?
A10 - Apparently you don't know who I'm dating. (Edited after post - My inarticulate point is that MaLe is a fervent supporter of dignified immigration laws here in the U.S. as am I. She in fact has a tourist visa and is here legally, lest anyone misunderstood me. Her Meez on the other hand is here illegally.)

Q11 - How do you get someone off the phone when you're done talking to them?
A11 - Excellent question. Some people can chat forever and the old excuse - "My show is on!" no longer works if you have Tivo. Kate and Ashley (not the twins) refuse to get Tivo just so they can still use that line. Or they don't want to talk to me. But I like to use "the cat is puking on the carpet!" Which is often unfortunately true and the reason he needs to be shaved.

Q12 - If you could be Pinocchio or Peter Pan, which would you choose?
A12 - No one asked me this but it's still an interesting question. Peter Pan could fly but he wore tights. Pinocchio wore little red shorts and had a slight case of wood rot but he had a pet cricket and if he got hungry he could eat him. So I would go with the Gippetto's kid.

Q13 - Is there an Easter Bunny?
A13 - Absolutely. I once dressed as the Easter Bunny and after trying to explain this to a 9-year old, she became very confused. The Easter Bunny has a cadre of lackeys he uses to distract kids while he hides Easter eggs. There really is no other explanation. But yes there is a real Easter Bunny and yes I pretended to be him for a day.

Pete and Mom - assisting the Easter Bunny for a day.

Looking forward to the next three months of adventure. Keep the comments and questions coming.

That's all folk!

Noise Violation

The lease agreement for this apartment complex/hive is fairly strict when it comes to noise. After 9 pm you need to keep it down. No loud music, no barking dogs no use of jack hammers. I first heard the odd noise about two months ago. It was a distant, monotonous, mechanical trill that sounded as if they were doing road work out on US-41 about 1/2 mile away. I ignored it. It was the type of sustained, drone that I typically require to fall asleep. The noise continued for the next few weeks, occasionally becoming louder, sometimes occurring into the early hours of the morning before dawn. It occurred to us that it might be an animal. A treefrog? an owl? Try making a low, guttural "waaaaaaaaaaaaa" noise and that's pretty much it.

It wasn't an issue until my sister Tara, brother in-law Brian and baby Peyton came for a visit. It has rained all of 1/10th of an inch since I arrived in Fort Myers in January. No sooner did their plane touch down and the rain clouds rolled in, dumping over an inch of much needed rain across the area over the next three days. And then came the ungodly noise. As darkness fell two nights ago, the once unobtrusive noise rose to an unending cacophony of ever loudening, monotonous notes, bombarding every open window. Closing all windows dulled the ever present sound. It was time to find out who the culprit was.

With flashlight in hand, MaLe and I set out around the otter pond in the center of our hive where the sounds seemed to emanate from. The sounds radiated from dozens of points which seemed to be in the trees, in the water, on the buildings. The chorus was singing from every available vantage point and as we drew closer to each individual point, our well-cloaked, mysterious callers would cease, drawing our attention to more remote callers and making pinpointing the culprits all the more difficult. After encircling the pond and spooking a Yellow-crowned Night Heron (aka Quwak, because of the similar noise they make),we spotted one huge hopper along the water's edge. Mystery mostly solved. It's a toad! These softball-sized beasts apparently were taking advantage of the recent rains and calling to every Bufonid from here to the Everglades. The species in particular is the exotic Giant Toad Bufo marinus (aka Marine or Cane Toad). They can weigh more than three pounds and females can lay a string of up to 20,000 eggs. Males have a rudimentary ovary and have the ability to lay eggs if their testes are damaged. (stop giggling little sister) Eggs hatch between 2 and 7 days. Adults eat our native frogs and toads. They can also secrete (or "shoot") a fairly toxic liquid from their skin as a defense which can be fatal to small dogs....I should encourage the owners of the Pomeranian that barks all day to try one. I mean have the dog try one. Oh heck they should all try one.

The chorus had calmed last night to a normal decibel, but the pond monsters are still calling. (click here to hear one) Our little apartment pond is far more productive then I would have ever imagined. Who knows what we'll discover next out there.

Please Harass the Iguanas

#241 on my list of things I want to do has been completed! How many times have you seen the sign "Don't Harass the Wildlife"? What a drag. I know, I know. I'm a wildlife biologist and I should respect the wildlife, but just once I'd love to do something malicious and rotten and have the permission to do it.

Wish granted. The people of Boca Grande hate the invasive Iguanas and they give permission to harass them! How exciting! And if verbal permission was not enough they've granted it in writing! In a brochure! Wohoo! It would seem that back in the 80's some unthinking pet owner decided to release a few on the west coast island of Boca Grande in Florida and over the last 25+ years, the population of Black Spiny Tail Iguanas (Ctenosaura similis) has grown to a reported 12,000+. They naturally range from Mexico to Columbia and the sub-tropical environment here suites them well. They feed on bird eggs, destroy the dunes by burrowing and get into people's homes (and cars). They're destructive little monsters....and they're spreading. They've naturally made it to the mainland and have been transported to other local islands.

So the Lee County Public Resources Division puts out a brochure that spells out the problem and offers a few solutions, including my favorite, #9 - "Harass iguanas at every opportunity". It's a fantastic solution and fun for the kids. By Lee County and Webster's Dictionary's standard, this is what I'm permitted to do -

• (1) : to annoy persistently


• (2) : to create an unpleasant or hostile situation for especially by uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical conduct

The first one MaLe and I spotted was perched at the peak of a hollowed out Sable Palm (middle of the picture below). My first chance to harass! I shook that tree like a hurricane, sending my reptilian foe scrambling down towards safety and spooking a bird from the cavity. Not to worry - it was a European Starling and I could very well have the right to harass them as well.

The next one we spotted in a more posh section of town was resting quietly in the shade of an exotic Banyan Tree - no doubt planted by the property owner. We rolled up on the invasive iguanid and shouted some unpleasant verbosity at the perplexed perp, who bobbed his head in what I can only assume was terror before he/she went back to napping.

The final harassment of the day was a two-fer. Spotting a 4-foot long lizard basking in an undeveloped lot, I parked the car and began walking closer to take a picture. Wishing to avoid the paparazzi, the illegal lizard scrambled away and feeling I had not had the opportunity to give appropriate "hostile conduct" to the foul beast, I gave chase, spurring a second iguana to flee in fear as well. I hastened my pursuit, but pulled up short with a tweaked hammy. I'll accept this incident as sufficient harassment - and never chase lizards without stretching first again.

There was a local that was quoted regarding the problem saying "Iguanas are not human. They do not deserve humane treatment," resident Richard Zellner wrote. "As far as I am concerned, they can be burned, shot and mutilated."

I did in fact chase iguanas today. To make a point. They are invasive and are causing problems (actually because it was fun, but kids, don't harass wildlife). But they are still animals. They have done nothing wrong other than being born on an island their parents were not native to. I'm all for removing invasives. Including these lizards, but we must find a proper way to do it and as humanely as possible. Being human is not a requisite for being treated humanely.

No iguanas were injured during the course of our afternoon on Boca Grande. But a few were mildly harassed. This post is dedicated to Carol H. who is welcome to take a few Iguana's south with her when she moves her and her family to Costa Rica this summer. They travel well. (The iguanas, not her family...well maybe the family travels well. How would I know?)

For those of you in "the know" and have Irony Detectors buzzing and flashing, I will get to the story of the non-invasive Green Tree Iguana that someone I know may have accidentally "lost" on Boca Grande years ago.....but not today.

Not in My Backyard

Oh this title could mean so many things today. I said to MaLe that I would go write and she said in her adorable Ecuadorian accent "Will you write about the perpetual fart smell outside?" The insideous smell has returned this evening after a few week hiatus and you would think people would be up in arms over a smell so foul. But I guess we all did move in to a place where a sewage treatment plant is in our backyard.

People don't seem to mind much in their backyards here. Malls, limestone quarries, nuclear power plants, golf courses. Build it and they will come. Oddly, Panthers, Crocodiles, Alligators and Manatees are objectionable to those that find their presence intrusive and a damper to a certain lifestyle.

The South Florida Water Management District just warned all communities in and around the Everglades that no more water will be drawn from the Everglades, which would seem like a good thing. People are still coming. Nearly 1000 people a day move here and communities are being told - Find another source of water. Desalinization - Recycle Water - Reduced Consumption. Heck - I know where they can get some partially treated waste water. Many have their eyes set on the Florida aquifer - the largest aquifer in the world that lies quietly 1000 feet below the limestone, fun parks and interstates.

Yesterday the 6th "Florida Panther" in 2007 was hit and killed by a vehicle on Interstate-75. (Click here for a map I'm working on of Panther fatalities) There is an estimated population of around 80-100 cats in the Everglades. They have been dubbed the most Endangered mammal on the planet. The thing is, the Florida Panther has long been considered a subspecies of the Mountain Lion Puma concolor (aka Cougar, Puma, Painter, Catamount (shout out to the cats in VT), Screamer and Nittany Lion.) The population had dropped to around 20-30 just 20 years ago and they were so inbred that they had numerous physical and physiological mutations. A cowlick on the nape of the neck, a kinked tail, leaky valves in the heart and males with testicles that did not descend. (stop giggling little sister) Fish & Wildlife introduced 10 Texas Cougars into the population a few years ago to expand the gene pool. They are the same species, but when mixed, would the Florida Panther cease to exist? In truth, the Texas Cougar and Florida Panther are essentially the same animal, with very few distinct genes, so the answer is no. But many found the transplants to be an abomination. Funny thing was, in 1993 when they studied the genes of cats in the Everglades National Park and the Big Cypress National Preserve, the Park cats had DNA from a South American Puma! Biologists knew something was odd. No cat would range that far. They determined that these "non-native" genes had entered the population about 40 years earlier. Apparently, an owner of a roadside zoo back in the 50's had released his cat into the wild. He refused to admit it but decades later, the evidence is still present in the Florida Panther population.

The cats are the natural heritage of the Everglades. The landscape would be severely diminished without them and while the species would still survive from Alaska down to Tierra Del Fuego under other names, the loss of the Florida Panther subspecies would be disheartening. So 6 cats in 3 months is terrible, regardless of their genetic stock. 16 in 18 months is even worse.

There is less and less room for the panthers to roam. A male requires about 200 square miles and refuses to share with another male, often leading to confrontations and occasionally death of one cat. The steady erosion of habitat continues and as people continue to relocate and expand their habitat it would seem soon there will be none left for the cats. Sadly and certainly, not in my backyard.

Sneaky Pete presents: I Spy

How better to judge your competition than to see first hand what they do. Don't tell anyone, but the boss sent me on a mission - pretend to be a tourist for a day and go on the competition's tour to see how they compare. My character was a wildlife biologist from Vermont who teaches kids about the natural history of New England. My back story? I've been in town for a week and a half and want to know more about the Everglades. I also mentioned my friend Susan just had a baby (Brooke) last week, just to add a flourish to my charade. I think that just came off sounding weird. She really did have a baby. I should call her. But I digress.

The trip started at 8 am with a 9:30 am bathroom and breakfast stop at McDonald's. I wasn't loving it. We finally made it into the Everglades at 10 am and started with a walk in the famous Fakahatchee Strand Preserve State Park, just like my company's tour. It's a 1.5 mile walk into the cypress swamp on a boardwalk that leads out to a "gator hole" where a mama gator was protecting her 15-20 young. Apparently Hurricane Wilma blew all of the mosquitoes away 2 years ago, but a recent hatch of Lubber Grasshoppers dotted the ground with hundreds of these little guys. The guide said they are an invasive, exotic species - but they're native!

Eastern Lubber Grasshopper (Romalea guttata)

This one reared up in a defensive posture to look more menacing. It's smaller than the size of a dime. I wasn't fooled. Once they molt and turn to adults, they have a much different paint scheme.

In the afternoon we took an airboat ride in Everglades City, the tiny port on the western edge of the glades. This airboat is more of a thrill ride, whizzing through the mangroves at 35 mph. It's a lot of fun, but you don't see as much of the wildlife. Well maybe except for this guy who gets fed by the guides. (Which is illegal) Tell me he's not cute?

Raccoon (Procyon lotor)

To complete the ruse, I posed with the alligator. I don't think I ever slipped up and didn't tell a lie until the end when I was asked when I was going home (tomorrow I said - when in fact i went directly home). I think my pasty white alligator-belly tan helped my disguise.

In the end, our trip has two boat rides, our airboat ride is better, lunch comes with the tour and our guides are the best! We see way more wildlife too! Who wants a tour with Everglades Day Safari?

Progressive

I'll start by saying I'm a native Floridian. I was born here. I was raised here. I've spent 24 years in this state. So I feel I have at least two legs to stand on in this case.

There are many things found in Florida that have been introduced; Golf courses, Seven Elevens, Geckos. It's hard not to look around and see these exotic and invasive things. Melaluca trees were introduced from Australia to drain the wetlands decades ago. Dozens of exotic fish species have been dumped into local rivers and lakes. Even Dunkin Donuts have made their way to the corners of several strip malls down here. Florida has become a zoo of exotics.

Today I was a victim of a home invasion by one such exotic. Upon entering my apartment, a Brown Anole (Anolis sagrei) raced between my feet and ducked in among the stacks of boxes. If a cat chasing a mouse is entertaining (if not horrific for the mouse), than a cat chasing a lizard is even more exciting. These lizards can shoot straight up a wall - infuriating for felines. I lost track of the 2 inch reptile only to open a box later and have it spring up at me, resulting in an embarrassingly unmanly scream. No one rushed to my help. And I was grateful.

Anoles (pronounced like cannolis - the delicious Italian pastry) are diurnal - or active during the day and not as tasty. Unfortunately, the ubiquitous lizard, normally found in Cuba, the Bahamas and other Caribbean locations has displaced the native Green Anole (Anolis carolinensis) which tends to stay off the ground and mostly among the foliage where camouflage serves them well but limits food supply.

Our native Green Anole

The night shift of nocturnal creatures is monitored by the equally invasive Tropical House Gecko (Hemidactylus mabouia) which hails from sub-Saharan Africa. With large eyes and pale skin, these lizards have ridges or lamallae to grip to walls and ceilings and are often found in urban areas in Florida, hanging around near lights where they can prey upon insects that are drawn to the light. This one pictured has staked out a territory and appears nightly, barking or chirping and bobbing its head. It's quite cute despite what seems to be aggressive behavior. I've named him Progressive the aggressive Gecko.

Tropical House Gecko