One Hundred Steps – The Centipede

Centipede loosely translates to one hundred steps per second, which is the speed at which A) a person moves away from such a creature and B) the speed at which the creature can move. I say “loosely” because I made it up. Centipede combines the Latin roots for “hundred” and “foot”, referring to the many legs of this predatory arthropod.

When this centipede darted across the shower stall floor I took all one hundred steps as I leapt from corner to corner trying to avoid the incredibly swift, zigzagging beast.

Centipede is actually a misnomer considering they can have any number of legs ranging from 20 to 300 depending on the species. Centipedes are different from Millipedes. They both have many segmented bodies but centipedes have two legs per segment where Millipedes often have four per segment.

Centipedes have an odd number of segments including the first segment that has modified legs, known as forcipules, which they use to inject venom into prey. Depending on the size of the centipede they can sting and harm a human. This one is a Florida Blue Centipede (Scolopendra viridis) and is about two inches long with small pinchers. Some centipedes can cause anaphylactic shock and since I had yet to I.D. it in the shower I did my best to step around it.

In a way, this species is my friend. They hunt roaches and spiders at night. I just prefer that the action is on the outside of my house. What comes around goes around and they in turn are preyed upon. I’ve seen Loggerhead Shrikes and Mockingbirds munch on centipedes. During the day the centipedes hide in moist areas like leaf litter, under the bark of a tree or in an exfoliating luffah.

There’s no shortage of critters that get into my house from my wooded neighborhood. I’ll continue to protect my fortress, all the while curious as to what’s going on just a few steps out side my door. 

Vanity Jesus

Regardless of your religious persuasion most human beings surely recognize that a Jesus vanity plate is a not a reasonable offering to be included in Florida's stable of over 100 different vanity plates. I would assume it's a violation of church and state and apparently so did the Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

Although the initial proposal made it as far as the state senate floor just 2 weeks ago, the crucified Jesus plate (below - yes it's real) and the stained glass window plate that read "I believe" were voted down. "I believe" referring to the sci-fi television show X-files and Fox Mulder's belief in aliens. I think.

Personally I like my "Everglades River of Grass" plate although I'm sure someone could make an argument against such a Pagan statement.

Why I Hate the Beach: Shark Attack Edition

I tend to avoid any liquid that contains things that could eat me. And just by writing that I realize that I'm not telling the truth. I wade in water with alligators and snakes. I've made coffee from Lee County tap water. But I've always had a tough time at the beach. It's sandy. It's hot. There are fish that can eat me called Sharks. 

A 15-year old boy was bitten yesterday off the beach on Sanibel by what "appeared to be" and I will assume out of lack of desire to do any journalistic legwork - a shark bite. Early lazy journalistic reports by actual journalists suggest that the 3 inch chomp in the kids leg may have been from a shark. 

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Sanibel Island is voted one of the top beaches for shelling in the world and it's not a secret that sharks live all along the coast of Florida. Although attacks are rare, they do happen from time to time and just like the "irrational fear" some have for flying, the rarity and novelty of being bitten by a shark or crashing in a plane, or crashing in a plane and than being eaten by a shark weighs heavily on the minds of the irrational. It just makes sense. 

In 2008 there were 58 shark attacks worldwide. There are an average of 4 fatalities caused by shark attacks a year. This is a drop from 71 in 2007 - let's blame the economy. Fewer people are going to the beach. Fewer delicious humans in the water = fewer attacks. But many sharks give birth near shore during spring and early summer and that raises the danger level slightly.  

Shark attack data through 2007 - http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/sharks/White/USA.htm

All Florida shrak attacks through 2007 - http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/sharks/statistics/GAttack/mapFL.htm

There have been over 11,000 vehicle related fatalities in 2009 in the US as of this writing. Yet we don't freak out as much when we get into the car. Ma-Le insists Ecuador has the safest beaches and they never had shark attacks (4 in 70 years). I thought that was just nationalistic pride but that does seem to be the case. 

Regardless - there are a few safety tips and JunglePete tips to heed when venturing into the briny shallows:

• Swim, dive or surf with other people -- the more people you swim with, the more likely someone else will be bitten.
• Avoid wearing shiny jewelry that might simulate the scales of a prey fish, and also avoid uneven tanning. No shark attack victim wants to be on the news with an uneven tan. 
• Don't swim at dusk or at night. This is when the JAWS theme song plays and that seems to attract sharks. 
• Refrain from excessive splashing. This is very important if you are my niece and should be heeded even in swimming pools and bathtubs. 
• Don't swim near people who are fishing or spear-fishing, chumming or using live bait. The spear ought to be a good deterant. .
• If a shark is sighted in the area, leave the water as calmly and quickly as possible. Tell no one.
• Do not harass a shark if one is spotted. But if you must - turn back to shore and yell "Watch this!"
  

Well - time to head for the beach and if the lightning doesn't hit me and I don't have a car wreck and the package of Easter Peeps I ate for breakfast doesn't stop my heart I might just make it to the sandy shores of the Gulf of Mexico where I will brave the waters and tempt the shark with my deliciousness. I can't wait.

Super Tuesday! I Didn't Vote

My generation is lazy and for the most part don't vote. It annoys me and I try to make up for it by voting for them, but apparently that's not allowed. Today is the Florida Primary and I was actually excited to vote. After past election snafus, I had made sure that I was registered and good to go.

Back in 2000 I voted absentee in Florida for the general Presidential election. I had just moved to Vermont so I am ashamed to say that my country quite possibly "lost" my vote along with many other absentee ballots that year. This is not conjecture. This actually happened to some of those ballots. My vote may not have counted.

In the 2004 election I was registered to vote in Vermont and fully planned on voting in the presidential primary, but Vermont holds it very late in the primary season and by the time the election rolled around, 35 other states had already decided the outcome and my vote was useless.

While I feel the primary is important, this is a perfect example of why all of the primaries need to be at the same time. Why do other states have a greater opportunity to impact the general election?

It happened again today on Super Tuesday. I proudly walked across the street to Precinct 33 to vote. My name wasn't on the ballot. The septuagenarian quickly accessed the voter registration file via wi-fi on her laptop and told me where I should be. 3 miles away. Stupid. So I head there - I'm directed to a voting booth. I'm taught how to use the touch screen. Vote on the Amendment and it says "Congratulations". Apparently I was done.

I wasn't offered a choice for presidential candidate. When I moved back to Florida a year ago, I didn't choose Republican or Democrat as my party. And by not doing so, I wasn't permitted to choose one of "their candidates". Florida has a closed primary. So once again, my vote does not count.

I didn't even want to vote Yes or No for the amendment. Basically it says that if you own property and want to defer tax credits for non-school district properties and you haven't done this before and you've lived in Florida for over 12 months but don't have kids or dependents and you might be moving but you're not sure and you'd like to carry over and tax relief credits from a previous property that was more than $500,000 but was in an area that's more than 60% zoned commercial you can do so if you are married and have never inhaled.

I'm not stupid but it made no sense.

YES
NO

That was my option.

Ultimately Florida lost all of its 210 Democratic delegates for allocating delegates outside of the Democratic National Committee-approved time frame. So my vote was useless anyway. Thanks!

I really don't know how to end this. I'm full of rage. There's so little voter education. It's no wonder my generation is apathetic. I vote WHATEVER.

General Ization and the Battle of Red vs Blue States

How long does it take to read this? You can do it in 3 minutes or less! (Kid warning - this may not make sense to some kids)

I'm getting more and more readers, but I had one disgruntled reader unsubscribe because I got "political". I think I may have made some comment suggesting George Bush was not quite qualified for a Nobel Peace Prize. Is he? It was assumed from that comment that I'm a pinko communist radical liberal. I thought I was being funny. I find it interesting that if someone assumes my political views diverge from theirs that they would simply rather not listen to what I have to say. Can't we just get along?

One of the beautiful things about human nature is that we can be similar in many ways while enjoying infinite individuality. We have a billion points of perspective on this planet and I would rather share them than group up based on our commonalities.

This got me thinking about a few other comments I've heard lately.

Someone recently said to me that they knew I was a liberal. Oh? How do you know that without knowing me? "Because you are an environmentalist". To which I replied, "And you being a conservative Republican are therefore anti-environment". To which they became flustered and changed the subject. Shouldn't everyone be pro-environment? Why is that a bad word?

Someone also asked me how I can stand to be in a "Red State" here in Florida, suggesting the political viewpoints of all people living in the sunshine state must, by default be right-leaning because Tim Russert used the red crayon to signify that the majority of voters (52%-47%) voted for George Bush in 2004. The "Blue" voters may have been in the minority, but I choose to think of state colors as shades of purple. We have a Republican governor - Charlie Christ, who has taken a strong stance and an active one at that to protect not only the Everglades, but the environment in general. Everglades restoration has been bi-partisan for the most part.

I'd also like to think that we have not digressed to thinking of our political parties as our teams. A friend said to me the other day that they were Republican. Always have been, always will be. (I've never heard a Democrat say that...) Their parents are Republican and their kids will be too. Millard Fillmore's kids probably said the same thing about the Whig Party. Parties should be dynamic and ever evolving. Issues should be discussed and debated with civility (and the occasional fisticuffs on the House floor) and yet people still people root for their party as if it were a sports team.

I have no political team. Political parties serve to support candidates. Politicians serve the people. Somehow we have turned the whole thing around and the people now serve the parties.

I tried to explain this to someone (and I'm being coy so as not to call out my boss), that I am not a conservative nor a liberal. I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. I don't take a stand based on what a party stands for. I listen to the argument, make my decision and chose a candidate based on who best fits my beliefs. It's far more principled than letting a candidate tell me what to believe. I'd have to say I'm moderate, leading the aforementioned "someone" to call me a flip flopper with no convictions. Not having extreme points of view, be they left or right is seen as a negative. I can't win.

If someone wishes not to read this, that is their prerogative. This is my fun way at looking at my world around me, learning a bit, teaching a bit and hopefully laughing a whole lot more.

I'll climb down off my soapbox and step up to the spotting scope. Tomorrow...Ghost Orchids!

I Paid For a $360 Haircut

Truth be told I haven't paid to have my haircut in 11 years, but when you have a long-haired coon cat in Florida, you don't have much choice but to go Poodle-cut on the fluffy beast.

General Tso is 6 1/2 years old. (Poor thing was born on 9/11/2000. I don't think he understands).

He was named after the delicious Chinese dish because Bill, my mom and I had just been to the China Buffet and my mom had convinced me I needed another cat. We were not too sure where in Rutland, Vermont to find a cat, so she asked the waitress who either didn't understand the question or was being defensive. After that, naming him General Tso was a no-brainer.

He sheds his fur in massive quantities this time every year and if I'm not quick to brush it out it forms dense mats of fur that tugs at his skin. It can't be pleasant. I tried at first to shave him. I can shave my own head so how hard can it be to shave an animal. With claws. and teeth. He's a sweet cat, but that was not going to happen. He was shaved for the first time in 2005, much to the dismay of cat #2, Ticonderoga who responded to his return home by hissing at him and chasing him around. As if looking like a poodle were not bad enough.

I decided to go with a preemptive shave last year and brought him in before the mats became too painful. The nice vets at Green Mountain vet were warned that he's a sweet cat in a bad mood. They said not to worry. No cat could be as bad as Missy and pointed to a picture on the wall of a gnarled, one-fanged, mangy beast that looked as if it had been peeled off the road. I knew he was in good hands.

When I returned, the vet began laughing, handed me a pair of gloves that workers at nuclear power plants use to handle plutonium and suggested I would have to handle the Tasmanian Devil in Vet Block #481516. It took a lasso, a squirt gun and a burlap sack, but I was able to extract the angry monster from his temporary lair. Missy's picture had been removed, there was a new vet devil champion. He hissed and growled all the way home and was again not greeted as the liberator that many thought he would be. Oh wait that's another story.

Since I've moved from Vermont to Florida, this would be his first trip to the vet down here. He was fairly calm on the trip over. He asked at one point "what's up with coconuts?" which I took to be merely an existential question and not a botanical inquiry.

I warned his new vet that he's a cuddly, lovable cat but gets medieval when he hears the clippers. She jotted that advice down, giggled when I gave his name and told me to pick him up after 4 pm.

Apparently the vet forgot to tell her assistant about the clippers. Before Tso was knocked out he turned them on and the cat expressed his own anal glands in the poor assistant's general direction. I paid for it in the end.

The shave only cost $50. And that was all I was bringing him in for anyway. But somehow he got his teeth cleaned, 2 vaccines, blood drawn and who knows what else.

In the end, it all worked out well. Tso got the Poodle Bob - which is a new style for him. If I had thought about it I would have gone with the Mr. T Mohawk in honor of Ash (pictured below being shaved by wife Kate on New Year's...a story for another day)

Maybe next year. His return elicited a few hisses and one camel spit from Ti. I'm not sure what that material was she spit, but it had some distance on it.

You gotta love this cat. And aren't pets supposed to look like their owners anyway?
Look at that tail!